So… hi. I’m Sam. I’m non-binary, and I use they/them pronouns. You can use he/him if you’d like, or even she/her if you’re feeling really spicy! But I’m most connected to being a “third, scarier thing” as Rin Penrose once said.

Since cracking my egg earlier this year, I’ve really been struggling to put together how to come out to a broader audience. I really wanted to make sure I got this right, that this was really how I felt about myself, and that I was sure of these feelings that I’ve repressed for so, so long, before I made some sort of post about it.

My closest friends were told on the day that I had decided to go through with it. I did this because I wanted to really commit to it, that there was no turning around, and hiding to myself anymore. I wanted to have the security of those that I trust the most to be aware of it and to help me out as I set out on a process of self-discovery and gender euphoria.

After that, I sort of just silently came out, without really saying much of a word. I just updated the pronouns on my social profiles, I quietly put a non-binary pride flag on my liveries, and for pride month I even put a pride flag behind my vtuber model - and no one said a thing! As if it was perfectly ordinary, expected even, that I was non-binary.

My friends have been super supportive and it hasn’t changed my relationships at all whatsoever to the people that matter in my life, be it my partner, my best friends or my teammates in DHR and Mirai. If you’re in a similar position to me, and you’re worried that it might not go over well, if they’re truly your friends, they’ll love you for who you really are.

You’ll have probably noticed that my vtuber model’s been getting a bit of a refresh over the past couple of weeks! I wanted it to be more in line with how I feel about myself, and took to learning how to model some basic clothes to replace the flat VRoid clothing options - with a new oversized biker jacket, turtleneck sweater, compression shorts, black tights and woollen leg warmers over black sneakers. I’m really happy with how it’s coming out so far, and just needs a little bit more TLC to be juuust right. Honestly, you could remove the jacket and it’s basically what I’ll sometimes wear when I’m going out into town now! Add in rounding out the face a little and a little lip gloss and it’s just felt… way more me.

Functionally, nothing really changes for you guys. I’m still me, I’m still the same annoying goofball with the same interests and hobbies. I might be a bit more openly femme presenting online now, but I’m still going to be posting the same crap on my Bluesky and doing the same creative things I’ve done forever now. So please, continue to treat me as you’ve done before!

But really, it’s kind of not a surprise though, is it? I mean, the signs were always there. My partner gave me a blahaj five years ago, for crying out loud, lol. I’ve never really been one to engage with a lot of the interests that dominate male spaces, which has proven difficult and alienating for me for basically my whole life. I wouldn’t go so far to say that I share a lot of the more feminine interests, either, though, but I’ve always wanted my hair long or in a ponytail. I finally started doing my nails and wearing makeup to make me feel more comfortable in my skin, and making regular efforts of self-care to keep face clean and smoothly shaven. I like skirts, tights and Harajuku gothic punk accessories, but I still love my racing, rugby, snooker, heavy metal, etc.

Getting the Agnes Tachyon cosplay last year after the Deltathon (that didn’t really go as planned as I got sick through it, but… news soon) really set something off. The top part of the cosplay didn’t really do anything to me when I first tried it on, but wearing pantyhose for the first time awakened something in me. I’ll be really honest with you - I’ve never liked the look of my legs, as they were incredibly hairy at the time, covered in bruises and stretch marks from work. The black nylon with the sheen of my skin coming through my ankles and knees, shaping my legs and accenting my curves, made me feel, for once, that I was happy with how I looked. That I could feel sexy, even.

The biggest hurdle was getting over this idea that interests themselves had to be gendered. I saw myself as more effeminate for a long time, but I always hesitated to lean into it because, as a male, it felt like it was impossible to enjoy both kinds of things. Reconciling with myself that, yes, it’s okay to have these interests, that I don’t have to see them as gendered, that I can just enjoy things for what they are - really is what opened up my mind to the idea that I was non-binary.

I think, though, the underlying thing that still swims around in my head is that this has, truly, been something I’ve been thinking about for probably around 15 years now, just about half of my life now. It was never really a conscious thing until more recently, but even when I was exploring my sexuality all that time ago I never really liked the term “bisexual” - even with the bisexual manifesto rejecting the binary itself, it is impossible for me to ignore the prefix in the name and what it implies. It’s why I’ve always felt pansexual to better represent how I’ve always felt.

I felt a longing every time I saw an outfit I liked the look of, only to go “but I’m a guy”. To see cute alternative outfits with grungy ripped sweaters and pleated skirts, only to go “but I’m a guy”. I now see that it’s all bullshit. I can wear whatever I want to wear. And having done that now, no one really cares. It’s an extremely freeing feeling.

Perhaps I wanted to doll up and feel pretty this whole time, and that’s why I gripped hard onto poorer standards of self-worth than I’d have liked for so long, to hold onto a male musk to prove my masculinity. Which sounds stupid when written down, and it’s something I regret, as the moment I started taking real care of myself this year, the final puzzle piece fell into place. My egg had cracked open at that point.

I’m still figuring things out at the moment. The day after I came out to my friends, I decided I was going to be out and watch the Super Mario Galaxy movie on the bank holiday. I wore my black oversized sweater, my cycling shorts that I got for my Tachyon cosplay, a fresh pair of 80 denier tights and some cute blue sneakers. I wore my makeup for the first time without intending to cosplay. And, in the LEGO store in the city centre, when I was there to purchase the Audi R26 F1 set, I was served by another genderqueer person.

Maybe it was just meant to be. I liked the movie too!

If you got to this point, thank you. Thank you for the support over all this time, whether you’re new here or whether you’ve been listening to my chiptunes on the Mega Drive since 2009. I appreciate all of you. It is still a little strange trying to internalise the little things. It’s easy for me to call myself non-binary now, but calling myself trans is still a “whoa, pardner, that’s a wee bit of a jump now”. I still have a lot of internal things to navigate and get through, so whilst I do, please bear some patience with me. Happy pride. 🏳️‍⚧️